I am often asked questions like these right now…”Are you getting excited that Gage is so closed to being finished?” or “Can you believe he’s almost done?” or “It will be here before you know it! How does it feel to be almost finished?”
Like most seemingly simple questions on this journey, the answer from my perspective rarely feels simple.
Daily, I consider these questions and try to figure out how I feel about all of it…and then how to communicate it with others, both in conversation and here on the blog.
There are several thoughts I often return to…
One, waiting for Gage to finish is like waiting for Christmas as a kid. I’m afraid that if I focus on it too much, it will take even longer to get here. I think I’d rather wake up one morning surprised to find that there are only 10 days to go than to count off each day one by one.
Two, there is a lot still to be done before he finishes in mid-September. He starts 2nd grade in August, so I have conversations ahead with his teacher, decisions about how to communicate to the other parents, his decisions about how much to share with his new classmates…and then the challenging daily decision of how much to push him to stay at school when he feels crummy, especially on a steroid week.
Three, starting to celebrate means that I let my guard down a bit to feel more each day. For the past three years (longer than I really thought possible), I’ve often felt very little. I’ve just tried to keep focused on knowing how Gage was feeling, doing what I could do to help, communicating his challenges to our team at Children’s, keeping up with his medicines, keeping an eye out for any new side effects…and trying to help our three girls feel like I love them just as much, even if my time and attention seem more focused on Gage at times. To ‘feel’ in the midst of that is overwhelming at times…it’s easier to just ‘do’.
Four, my days are still filled with his care. Cancer is part of every day. Even though the end is in sight, the days themselves often aren’t any easier.
And, most importantly, whatever the number of days left until Gage is finished, I still have that many days left of watching him be sick. For most people, a weekend is a long time for your child to be sick. Spending a week watching your child feel crummy, be in pain and have to miss planned activities would be an even bigger deal. So, each day when I watch him struggle with how he feels, experience pain from the side effects of the chemo or lack the energy or immune system to do things he wants to do, it’s hard to be excited that I have 50+ more days of that.
Yet, of course, I am thrilled to be closer to the finish line. And, because of the many families we’ve met on this journey, I am thankful beyond words that Gage has this finish line to look forward to…I know not every family is so fortunate. And, that thought weighs heavy on my heart.
So, it’s a long answer to a simple question. And, as I consider all that’s happened in our family these last three years, I also consider how it’s impacted us spiritually. That’s probably a post for another day, but I know that I can’t imagine the last three years without a relationship with Christ, confidence in His love for us, providence in countless ways through those that love Him, and the unfolding revelation that He can and does use our suffering here on earth to change lives for all eternity. That’s not to say that it’s been an easy road spiritually, because it hasn’t…and it’s still not. But, it has been rich, deep and life-changing.
Yesterday, I listened to Rich Mullins’ “All of the Way My Savior Leads Me“… and it just stuck with me:
All the way my Savior leads me
What have I to ask beside?
Can I doubt His faithful mercies?
Who through life has been my guide
Heavenly peace divinest comfort
Ere by faith in Him to dwell
For I know whate’er fall me
Jesus doeth all things well
All of the way my Savior leads me
And He cheers each winding path I tread
Gives me strength for every trial
And He feeds me with the living bread
And though my weary steps may falter
And my soul a-thirst may be
Gushing from a rock before me
Though a spirit joy I see
…
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Please continue to pray for Gage, as he’s had several rough days lately. Also, he is scheduled for another spinal tap and week of steroids beginning Monday, August 2nd. Thankfully, it’s his last spinal tap, but it’s a very tough week.
Thanks for checking in and continuing to support us as we near the finish line. And, enjoy the pics of our family celebration in June on the third anniversary of his diagnosis…
Avery…
Water balloon fight!
Ellie enjoying Pokey-O’s homemade ice cream sandwich!
Wesley…
Blake with Gage giving thanks before dinner…
RH
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